Picturise me as an eight-year-old! I do not remember a lot of my day to day happenings, but I remember the range of reactions I would display to confirm to everyone around me that “I was angry” –

• A cold treatment where I would boycott any communication with people around me
• An outburst where I would leave myself and people around me embarrassed
• Arguing or debating my point and walking out of the conversation if the need be to follow it up with a cold treatment – and the vicious cycle would trap me for the next few hours or days

Oh, what a theatre I would play and how I exceled at it!

The Theatrical Art form identifies 9 forms of human expressions – Love, Laughter, Sorrow, Courage, Fear, Disgust, Surprise, Peace and Anger. The human emotions are depicted in various degrees of these nine states. Since these are ‘acceptable’ ways of depicting what the state of mind is, Anger is also considered acceptable.

We are taught from our childhood that it is better to express anger than to keep it bottled up inside – this will keep us healthy! Today when I look back, I wonder how I survived all these years where I would express emotions ranging from displeasure to fury and pride myself of being ‘honest to expression’. Today when I relive some of the situations where anger was my only weapon, I cannot ignore the after- effects where I would find myself exhausted and at times even sick with acid reflux or migraine or high blood pressure. I would take this as normal – comforting myself with the explanation that as I vented out the negativity, the physical symptoms were a natural closure to the state.

Today as an adult, when I try to write down the various triggers that make me angry, they seem to derive a fixed set of root causes:

1. I have set expectations from others and they do not meet them befittingly
2. Conduct of people around me does not fit the mould I adhere to
3. People are closed to listening to new ideas and different viewpoints
4. When I work hard and do not get the expected / desired result
5. Lack of honesty and integrity in the world around me

I can list down a few more causes but when I look closely at the above, I realize these boil down to one Root Cause – Expectations from self and others. Let me share an anecdote that was the trigger point for this contemplation.

I had gone to India on vacation and after a heat filled fortnight travelling various cities, I reached exhausted and tired to a sleepy mountain town called Palampur in Himachal Pradesh.  It is important to mention here that I have been born and brought up in India so I am very familiar with the culture, traditions, sensibilities and ways of life there – you would agree that while it is one experience to be a traveller on the boat, it is very different to watch the boat sail past as you stand on the shore. So, while I was living in India, everything there was a part of life and hence acceptable, warranting adjustments and neutrality. However, since I had been out of the country for more than 12years, my frame of reference had changed dramatically keeping up with the momentum of the changing times. The land that I had grown up in had vanished and now it was replaced with a land that was not too different from the rest of the planet. The feeling I had was one of loss and unfamiliarity as if a treasure in my heart had been stolen.

I reached Palampur with a feeling of anger at this loss which was further aggravated by the fact that something went wrong with the hotel reservation that had gone missing in their books! The number of hotels in that little town were less than a dozen and being the season for tourists, I could not find myself another hotel room. As I walked out disappointed from the last hotel, my driver who was ferrying me around for the past six hours whispered softly with some trepidation – “Sir, I know of a place where you will be welcomed as family and you can stay as long as you want. It is not a hotel but a spiritual setup where there are rooms to stay, halls to meditate, books to read, gardens to roam and tend as a volunteer, and river water to dip yourself in!”

I was intrigued and unsure at the same time – a I was not ready to be part of any spiritual movement. But the resigned traveller in me gave in and I found myself in this beautiful Ashram (the Indian name for a spiritual setup) after an hour’s drive. There was a guest house that welcomed me with beautiful rooms and basic amenities. The administrative person-in-charge handed me the keys and showed me my room – requesting me to carry my own luggage. I was more than happy to do so – as all I needed was a nice shower and some rest.

As I came out of my room well rested in two hours’ time, I saw a Yogi (a Mystic) sitting under a tree in the garden that overlooked my room. I realized I was looking at the Master of this tranquil place and found myself drawn to him. As I came closer, he looked at me, smiled and said softly, “Why are you so angry? Did you see yourself in the large mirror kept at the entrance of the guest house you are staying in? Whom did you see in the reflection? Did you like who you saw?” I had not noticed the mirror, but I knew the answer instinctively. I would see a discontent, angry me who was disappointed with everything and everyone around him. Someone who would not be a pleasant person to have as company and this thought filled me with the need to understand more about myself and what I could do to get rid of the anger in me that looks for the mildest of excuses to erupt.

I gave in to the beautiful serene atmosphere and decided to spend the balance two weeks of my vacation in the company of the Yogi and his abode. My daily routine included:

• Waking up early and going for a stroll on the banks of the river that flowed past nearby
• Tending the gardens working with many other volunteers
• Spending a few hours at the library reading, contemplating
• Listening to live, relaxing music in the evenings
• And the best of all, sitting in silence in the meditation hall

As days would pass, I would look at myself in the large mirror as I came out of my room – the reflection looking back at me was smiling more often, looked relaxed and most of all, content with the day that had passed and looked forward to the day that lay ahead with nil expectations.

As I reflected more and more on myself during my stay there, a realization started to set in that showed me how I was expecting things of others when I could spend the same energy working on myself and developing a fresh perspective towards life and people around me. I realized that just like me, they have their own habits, cultures, conditionings and experiences which in turn shaped their reality and prompted their behaviour and conduct. Concentrating on myself is the best way to combat the feelings of disappointment and anger.

Since I have come back from Palampur, I have included the following practices in my daily life:

1. Starting my day early
2. Practicing breathing exercises every morning, following it up with Yoga
3. Meditating or Contemplating in silence for 45minutes
4. Painting or Sculpting or Writing (poem or a story or just an experience) over weekends
5. Reading something inspiring before I go to bed at night
6. Spending time with my family discussing my day with them and listening to theirs
7. Cooking a new dish for my family every week – Oh, this is therapeutic
8. And most importantly, taking note of the times when I started to get angry – this has now reduced significantly, and my efforts continue…

A few principles that are helping me maintain this balanced view towards life have been:

1. Every time I have an outlook different from the person in front of me, I focus on my breath – this grounds me, gives me time to process the other person’s viewpoint and prevents me from reacting
2. Stay away from debates and arguments – every time I sense a debate or argument starting to brew, I would politely put forth my view and idea if possible. If this is not possible, I would politely extract myself from the situation.
3. Contemplate on instances when I have reacted with anger – yes, I am still working on myself – this is a continuous process.
4. Remind myself constantly that everyone has a right to their opinion, and everyone learns at their own pace. Getting angry or uptight or emotional is not a solution – it only impacts me adversely with no guarantee that the person in front has benefitted.
5. Draw inspiration from everyone who is successful in their respective areas and acknowledge that a focussed, calm and persistent approach are the drivers to success.

Anger is a Force – it is Not Power! Force saps you of energy. Power gives you energy. The choice is quite evident, isn’t it?

As you invest in your life approach that gives you Power…Enjoy Life, Stay Healthy and Stress-Free!!